Christopher Blog

13) My Love 12:26

Not available since 1999

This song is an epic. An epic embarrassment. My scalp literally started itching when I put this on for the first time in years. A vile beacon of self-pity captured in 12 glorious minutes. The temptation to not post this song was very high. I think only 3 people would have noticed its omission and their silence could have been bought with a chocolate bar.

While the intention was to create a grand plodding opus devoted to rejected feelings, it’s a near-forgotten sentence that documents what a waffling tart I can be. Oh, how the wonderful memories flood in like a bout of food poisoning.

You know something is about to go horribly awry when you hear the sample and the drums start out of sync. This is the most visible example of me trying to synchronize sampling with music without a sampler on a 4-track cassette machine.

The lyrics are trite teenage angst. I sound like a fat kid with a black leather coat. On a maturity level, I probably was still just that.

For a song of this size and scope, we will need to go section by section.

Part 1: 0:00 – 5:17

Aside from the sampling debacle in the beginning, I can’t be too rough on this section. It’s ok within the `Orchid’ context. The meandering scat vocals are a travesty, but livable. The whole section builds well. It was a pretty good idea to take `Endure’ and rebuild it into another song. It makes the whole compositional aspect fluid. But you know this song did not bode well when it borrows ANYTHING from `Endure’ and slows it down to a burdensome crawl. If you have been reading daily, you know how I feel about `Endure.’

What is that gibberish I’m mumbling at the end though? Something in French about my heart? Oh for fuck sakes man.

Part 2a: 5:18 – 6:45

This part starts off really well. Stupidly well, in fact. It makes the drop to failure that much more glorious. A lot of work went into this second part. And it starts off really really well. I remember somehow creating a random reverse reverb gate involving the piano and glockenspiel.

I will give myself one credit: Taiko drums and Industrial rock was my invention. And it could have been all sorts of kick ass if not for, well, me. Section 2 is what gives me the most discomfort. This section is all over the place; going from moment to moment with no real reason. Not to mention it sucking sequentially.

Part 2b: 6:45 – 7:21 – Remember the Nothing

It’s this that causes a physical wretch from my being. It’s this that negates the previous 6 and half minutes.

“Remember the nothing, remember the nothing.” If only. If. Fucking. Only. Why was I so scared to get aggressive with the microphone? Was I afraid to wake up my parents? Was my distortion pedal broken? This is a prime example of not going `full in.’ If I was screaming and yelling my adorable little head off, I think these lyrics and the horrid mixing would have been excusable. But no, I didn’t give my all. And the end result is a painful reminder of being a lazy self important hack.

If I ever have to remind myself of the consequences of not putting my entire essence into art, I can look back at this section.

Part 2c: 7:22 – 8:17

I tried to be clever. I tried to incorporate all of the song titles thus far into one powerful and insightful sentence. I wonder if I whispered a victorious YESSS to myself when I did this. I hope I high-fived the air and fell on my stomach.

Part 2b: 8:17 – 9:22

So, it appears to offset the rage I could not summon from my person, I opted to go the smoky gothic voice route, a la Peter Steele. Apparently my bass and corresponding baritone took the day off, left a note on my desk saying `go fuck yourself, Christopher’ and went to the beach. 

Could I make the ending of this section (where I whimper out the word `Love’) anymore anemic? This is where I aspired to do vocal soar akin to Jeff Buckley and Robert Plant. Well, I got the sustain part down. Just not the `good, soaring, emotionally riveting’ aspect. I even remember whispering to myself a victorious `YES’ when I thought I nailed the take. I didn’t nail it. I threw a hot dog bun at a nail and hoped it would stay.

Part 3: 9:23 – 12:26

“Where did your flower grow? Where did my flower go?”

For all the shit I have piled on this song, it does end rather well with the right amount of dramatics. I especially like the use of a pencil as a rhythmic device which closes out the song. You’ll hear a digital jitter that I couldn’t get rid of. This must have happened on a digital transfer from the 4-track a decade ago.

Why So Sad, Goth Boy?

`Orchid’ was to be my catharsis. A freedom from the angst and pain I was imposing on myself. A freedom from sub par ideas I was too unhealthy to realize. But I couldn’t emote. `My Love’ is a classic example of not emoting. I beat this album up for one reason: If I gave my all instead of blowing it out in a state of temporary confident euphoria, it could have been, in the long run, a great catharsis. I wouldn’t have to wait for a track like `Not There Anymore’ or `Another Blue Ribbon’ to come along.

Do I regret it? No. I at least learned this lesson in the beginning and not 4 albums in. It would have been a pretty precarious situation if I phoned in `Lucifer Rising.’

Tapping the Vein and the Sample

I must apologize to Eric of Tapping the Vein. If he knew that THIS is what I did to their sample (from the song ‘Inside’ off their `Butterfly’ demo) he wouldn’t have given me written permission to use it. To clarify, the sample is used in the first part of the song; from the beginning up to 5:17.

The procurement of this sample is yet another example of the lengths I will go to achieve something menial.

They were playing a Goth club that was in Newark, NJ. In my tactful fashion, I cornered Tapping the Vein’s drummer Eric after their performance. The poor gentleman was wiping the sweat off his brow and then I come sauntering to him with a licensing contract in my hand. The conversation was brief and to the point. I asked if I could have his band’s permission to use a sample for `My Love.’ He couldn’t have been more gracious about it.

I’m sure I have the paper somewhere still with his signature.

Tapping the Vein are a great rock/goth band that I believe come out of Philadelphia. I used to see them perform quite a bit around New York and New Jersey. They were the only `local’ band I would go see ritually because they were that darned good. The Goths and rockers some how coexisted when they performed. It was like a Cult show circa 1987.

However, they did have a curse at every show, without fail. There would always be one song where their sampler would go haywire and would just die mid way through. They usually persevered despite the glitch, and the show wasn’t really affected by it. Heather Thompson is a one in a million singer. Always pitch perfect and powerful. She had a lot of soul. Not in the P-Funk sense. Listen to the demo version of the song `Beautiful’ and you’ll know what I mean.

Over the years I tried to help the band in my own retarded way. Back in the Come Closer days I was booking an Eastern Canadian tour and wanted them to come along. But Come Closer broke up so that never happened.

When I worked at a record label, I did try to get them attention with Nettwerk. I took the demos I had available and forwarded them to Nettwerk’s A&R rep. I saw them as a perfect fit on that label; considering what they were putting out at that time. I’m disappointed that Nettwerk didn’t pick up on this band’s sensibilities of good songwriting and powerful singing.

In the end, the band got signed to a subsidiary of Century Media. Which I found to be an odd pairing since Century Media is home to metal bands like Arch Enemy, Dark Tranquillity, and my Finnish darlings Poisonblack.

Admittedly, I wasn’t thrilled with their debut album. The original demos had more punch. The full length seemed to be lacking the `heart’ that I was so accustomed to hearing; even though it’s the same gentleman who produced the demos.

But how many times have you heard that from fans? Pompous pricks who reject the success of a group they supported on their way up. There are people who think Opeth sold out after `Orchid.’

I could be wrong and TTV’s debut maybe miles ahead of the demos. But I still prefer listening to those 2 five-song discs. There is something about hearing someone overdrive a microphone with pained melodic wails that gets me every time.

www.tappingthevein.com – Go looksee.

Outtake: My Love – Partially Re-Recorded

I made an effort to re-record `My Love’ and whip it into acceptable shape. Apparently that was an excursion into a shitsunami. I don’t remember doing any of this. It seems even I, at the time, couldn’t bring myself to sing the `Remember the nothing’ section. I must have known back then what rubbish it was. Judging from the amount of work that was put into this (lack thereof) `Orchid’ was losing steam and just about to be forgotten.